Grandeur at its best!

Beautifully sewed by the rays of the sun, this majestic abyss stands as undisturbed, unmoved, and untouched by modernism. Every falling ray of sunshine stiches the constantly deforming canyon every morning and radiates a maze of colors beyond and beneath its slits. The aura of this huge picture sitting so calm and content, immovable and certain of everything in life reflects so much belief and steadiness - belief in one’s own faith and steadiness in the ever changing world.

No matter what changes outside, this grand canyon confines its space so uniquely to not let anyone take anything away from it. It shields the life growing within. The tiny gears growing within it ask so little from life itself. They thrive in the hardest conditions and yet blossom looking the best.

The morning sunrise sets a reminder every day to keep a watch on the magnificence of nature and that of life, the grandness of how much nature throws at you every minute, the reality of bliss and a delusion of an unreachable cosmos. All in this one space – the Grand Canyon!

Every day when the sand sheds off the edges of its wide crevices, it only deepens in a different direction and carves itself with more beauty. It unfolds a different sense of refinement every second.

As the sun seeps down, the setting rays ornament the canyon in the most gentle form and the moonlight with the stars adorn its forehead reflecting a stunning glow which brilliantly celebrates every little part of the Canyon in its own way.

This, 2730 million years ago formed rock solid figure still encompasses the same and more beauty every passing day reminding each of the grandeur of one’s own personage, the magnificence of nature and the spirit of life in its own magical way.

This mythical Canyon that decors its city with its abiding existence and its adamant zest -may it continue to endure the course as it is today, for generations to come so each born new feels blessed to have stepped into a world with so much victory and so much heart !

Stare is constant

Change is the only constant they say. I think stare and change are constants for a person who realizes how liberating staring can be.

Staring gets to you the pause that we all need regularly in our everyday lives. It gets you in a state where you feel frozen until reality strikes, when a wish that the world can stop for a bit flies by your mind. Stare gives you that still, that pause, that high and that constant that nothing else can. It relieves you from the constant struggle of thinking, the fight to battle with doing the right thing and disentangling all those tightly tied up knotted feelings that don’t let you get anywhere or make you feel stagnant and blocked. Stare blocks that block. Stare lets you freeze for a while and pauses your world for a few moments.

I love to stare. I can’t stare for too long, but I love it. I’m addicted to staring. And while I’m still staring the real world strikes and I find myself back on that land full of my own struggles I don’t want to face.

It has meant so many things in different aspects of my life. I’ve got into deep troubles and felt loses even, due to my habit or want to stare. In a class it has meant, “why don’t you leave the class if you’d like to look outside the window anyway”. Who would think, that little mind which really doesn’t have any space anymore has frozen and is in a state of still.

In a relationship, it might mean “What are you thinking about? (Nothing.) How can you think about nothing all the time? You don’t communicate enough with me!” It’s all a matter of perception. Whoever said I’m not perceptive doesn’t really understand that state at all and bears no capacity to ever understand it either. I’m not thinking anything. I’m in a state where I love to be cause I permit myself in those moments to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop observing and stop caring about what the world thinks of me.

At work I’ve faced humor “Ms. Jangla, now if you’re really done adoring that white board so much, may we hear of your work agenda for the rest of the week please!”

With a set of friends it has meant “Uh oh…we’ve lost her again!! Come back you lost soul”. A very good friend gets curious and asks “I wonder what you’re thinking all that time that you stare. I want to look at what you’re looking at...” I’m not looking at anything really. I’m only at a pause where I wish to be forever sometimes, cause I love to be left alone. I love to just not think and freeze. I love to not hear and not see with my eyes open. I love to not get distracted by anything in life. I love to be or not to be.

I’m not thinking about anything. I Promise.

I’m only taking a break from thinking. And I’m not lying either. I’m only being truthful to myself by taking that break. I’m only excusing myself from doing what I should do all the time – ponder, think, live, do the right thing...I’m only procrastinating a little cause I think I can allow myself to. I’m not lost anywhere!

I’m not thinking all the time – I’m not! I’m playing dead and suspending myself from the constantly changing time and elements, I’m only immobilizing myself for a while cause I love to, I’m only blocking myself from my thoughts. I’m only quitting for a while. I’m only quitting to resume!

My stares are the semi colons of my every day life, where I stop and wait, at most times unknowingly. It’s a switch from struggle to momentary peace. It’s a switch from struggle of dealing with thoughts, struggle of getting things right by being yourself and the struggle of handling life as it comes to that temporary peace that lets you be all by yourself amidst strangers, that’s lets you lay still in that mind of yours and says exactly this “I’m holding onto everything till you come back! Come back soon though, I wont be able to do this for long…”

I stare cause I choose to! I stare to be or not to be for a while! I stare to look at things exactly the way they are! I stare so I can breathe! And I stare so I can be blocked!

Bridge that hope!

Spring is here – almost. There is something extremely winsomely pleasant and beautiful about fresh leaves and little wild flowers on the trees. Little petals of Utopia strengthens your belief, all of it that has been lost in the hopeless arctic winter.

Summer is so promising. Summer is so much more life and energy. Summer is soul and summer is striking. Summer is want and summer is a need too. Summer is hopeful and summer is beautiful. Summer is a vacation and worth the wait too.

Winter feels more like a forever halt and an eternal continuation for the sunshine to arrive. Winter feels depressing and lonely.

But it’s almost coming to an end and spring is the aura of that end. While winter feels so hopeless and seems never ending, spring approaches and the sun shows glimpses every now and then, hope starts to reach you little by little. Spring says its not yet there, but almost. Just about, hang in there, just a little bit and the extremes will be bridged – very soon.

And then life is such. While you’re just at the brink of losing it completely, it sends you one more hint your way, one more whisper to hold on to and you pump up your optimism, hopeful about your aspirations. Spring is such – it sends little hints, it magically adorns the trees with little beautiful lives and makes you believe in life yet again.

I’ve decided I’m going to make peace with my restlessness. I’ve decided I’m going to bridge the extremes. I’ve decided I’m going to wait eagerly for the summer while spring is already here!

Self-War

Times when frustration rules the day and when nothing and no one seems to relate to you, YOU can certainly relate to the still waters - so obviously self-explanatory but yet so lonely. So still it stands will all the light it absorbs, with the countless towers surrounding it and shadowing it, the depth it bears screams to the world that in spite of being so gorgeously outspoken it still ultimately is alone!

It is such an internal struggle with self and with the world where it feels like the entire world is against you including your self – in every sense of the word. And there is really no energy left within to fight your ownself let alone the entire world. Its amazing how at times like these you feel like the most left out person but I realized that no can take your pain completely. And sometimes the person you think you can relate to the most and who you claim best understands you, fails to even sense how you feel. That’s when you feel loneliest. Sympathy is the least of what you’re probably looking for. If anything you’re only looking for a ear, but that’s exactly when you fail to realize what was it that you needed at the moment. It is only the after-event pondering that makes you wonder if that’s what you really needed.

The realization that moving on, such a feeling might arise more often than you’d like and the note to self that certain things in life can only be dealt on your own is very relieving. Cause you now know what to do – suck it up! The fact that you are your only listener strikes and acceptance takes over pleasantly. Ultimately you’re left alone to wage the war against yourself, where you know that the entire world is right in their stride, but the several attempts of the traumatic tourist within you who’s been exploring the different sides in you, one day finds out the difficulties you face in facing yourself. You and only you know those things and only you can feel the struggle of facing it and falling flat on your nose over and over again.

Its not the pain, it’s the frustration you’re not able to momentarily deal with and whoever understands that has been through it already. Someone who doesn’t just yet, will some time in his or her life time.

After all it only feels a little better to know that almost all of us go through such phases. In the end we realize that no amount of explanations to any one or connections with anyone make things better. Its only acceptance with self that makes you climb the curve in life that you need to get through.

And after repeated attempts of retrospection you ultimately reach a conclusion that some things are better left unsaid!

Caprice

I don’t have kids of the age of 13-15. I don’t have kids actually, for now. But I’m already scared of my kids growing into that age at some point.

As much as I don’t like to call myself a writer for some odd reason, I must accept that observing little details and putting them on paper is really my thing. Maybe sharing my thoughts with people who might be able to relate is my thing. So I was doing my usual Saturday morning routine, sitting in the café downstairs of my apartment building and sipping on a latte, reading the newspaper.

I heard the lady at the register. She asked “What I can get for you today?”

“One non-fat vanilla latte and one strawberry and cream shake please” said Alya.

"Name for the order please?"

"Alya"

Alya's kid wandered around in the café looking for something that he could potentially throw on the ground or break. He had the revolt in his behavior. He jumped around disrupting people’s silence including mine. When the disturbance continued for a while I decided to take off my glasses, put the paper down and watch him.

“I don’t want strawberry and cream anymore. I want cookies and cream” the kid said.

“You can’t have cookies and cream anymore sweety. We have already placed the order. I asked you 3 times before ordering it and you said you wanted strawberry and cream” Alya reminded Ivan, her 13 year old son. Not looking at her son, thinking that her ignorance would stop him from making a scene in the café she herself looked a little troubled by her son’s forceful demand.

“But now I want cookies and cream. Ask her to change it. I want the freedom to change my drink whenever I want to.”

“You can have cookies and cream in the evening. Strawberries make a good breakfast in the morning.” Alya said.

“You’re not a good mom at all.You don’t respect my choice. Why do I have to listen to you all the time? I know what’s good for me and what’s bad. ” Ivan screamed and walked out of the café in tears.

The entire café watched while Alya only had a pretentious smile on her face waiting to get the heck out of the café. She took the latte and the strawberry and cream and walked out embarassed.

Who can you really blame when your kids come up with such statements which you know aren’t true nevertheless there isn’t a way to make your child feel secured and comforted? Is it the age or the peers or the environment? Or is it the way you bring up or train your children? But realizing it after such events when the damage is already done, is there a way out of it or is it too late? Should you start doubting yourself as a parent and your inability in bringing up your kid or should you put it on that day and age where your child is in the revolt phase of life? But is it easy to convince yourself that it’s only time that could fix your relation with your kid and you can’t do much about it at the time?

I’m not a parent and I used to think being a parent probably needs lesser work than the pleasure that it gives you in return. I’m not sure of that anymore. I’m not sure if I have the strength in me to face that part of my life where there possibly will come a day when I blame myself for not having the right mother-child relationship with my child. I’m not sure if I want to be the mother my kid doesn’t want to go to. And in the fright to not let that happen I’m not sure if I would land up overdoing my part as a parent and turn out being over protective of my kids.

Anyway, miles to go I thought and snapped out of it. My coffee cup was empty. I walked towards the café register.

The lady at the register asked “What can I get for you today?”

“Strawberry and Cream shake maybe.” It’s better than cookies and cream I thought to myself.

I felt the cold today ..

By the streets of Seattle, walking on the stony walkways paved between stretches of grassy lands, the cold wind that kissed my cheeks and moved my hair, swirled my ears and sucked my bones, reminded me of the time five years back, back in Chicago land when I was completely new to the city and there wasn’t a moment where I didn’t curse the harsh wind and the ruthless itch it brought with it and I felt it in every nerve of my body. I had not imagined life so hard but I lived it. I cursed it all the way and every moment for all the distress it brought along with its adamant vigor to cause immense suffering.

Every day was a new confrontation with self, a new challenge to leave home, to gather the courage to feel the beast trying to get inside of me from any angle it possibly could while I walked my way to reach class. Resisting all that atrocity and ugliness it got with it and still keeping that energy alive, bled away all the will and strength to survive the day.

It’s been three years I moved away from the place, from the cold and its bitterness.

I felt the same cold today three years later. And I didn’t even really feel it. I enjoyed it and savored it. I slowed down to feel it deeper and smiled. I loved the touch of the wind on my face and it no more felt harsh. It felt known and my own, surreal and beautiful.

A shift in perspective, life, growth and self, changed everything including what the city and its elements resemble to me today. Only today I realize that cold resembles struggle and survival to me. It resembles suffering in the most brutal conditions but holding the faith that it will end someday. The cold that I detested once, taught me to look at life in a different way. It taught me the lesson of bearing pain and how to survive in the toughest times. It taught me perseverance and conviction. It taught me to be fearless.

I live my life fearlessly today and I believe I can survive any phase of life and handle whatever comes my way with the right attitude. It taught me the lesson I needed to learn the most. The lesson of being lionhearted !

That faithful beast stayed with me to teach me my lessons till I learnt them. It stayed by my side on my journey regardless of when and where it would end. It left me when I learnt what I needed to and was ready to take up whatever came my way. Today when I am no more surrounded by it, it got back to me with a hug and a hello and to remind me that though as ruthless and as brutal the entire journey of life gets, it teaches you something that you need, to live the rest of your life.

I love Chicago. I love Cold. I love Life.

Look what the world has come to !

The first thing i read this morning:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/social.media/02/21/facebook.relationship.status/index.html?hpt=T2

"You like someone. They're in a relationship. Be the first one to know when they're out of it" promises the app's website.

I wonder what will the world look like 2 years from now with social websites coming up with so much drama - melodrama.

Success at the age of 4 - not peeing in your pants, at the age of 18 - a driver's license, at the age of 30 - money, friends and sex, at the age of 50 - sex and at the age of 80 - not peeing in your pants.

2 years from now...

Success at the age of 4 - Updating status on facebook about when you were successful not peeing in your pants and expecting more than 5 likes and 10 comments, at the age of 18 - Create a poll on face book on "how ugly your girlfriend/boy friend was" and make sure facebook banned his/her profile and you tweeted about it, at the age of 30 - Get your wife pregnant by sending her a facebook request, at the age of 50 - You've got success coz you're not a loser ! Atleast you have the facebook wall to talk to ! at the age of 80 - Have the courage to delete your own profile on facebook, else hell yea ! you're a pedophille !

How strange that the world has forgotten the simple pleasures of meeting one on one to play scrabble or have coffee or worse yet have a conversation before breaking up than breaking up over a facebook message. The pleasure of taking pictures to savour them in future than to tag them ! The excitement of making friends in person by meeting them more often than adding them as friends and never ever meeting them again ! The nuances of apologizing to loved ones than hoping you still remain friends with them on facebook.

Life has become a joke in a certain sense of the word and friendships and relationships - elements of the joke !

Save yourself ! Get a life - a real one !