Stare is constant

Change is the only constant they say. I think stare and change are constants for a person who realizes how liberating staring can be.

Staring gets to you the pause that we all need regularly in our everyday lives. It gets you in a state where you feel frozen until reality strikes, when a wish that the world can stop for a bit flies by your mind. Stare gives you that still, that pause, that high and that constant that nothing else can. It relieves you from the constant struggle of thinking, the fight to battle with doing the right thing and disentangling all those tightly tied up knotted feelings that don’t let you get anywhere or make you feel stagnant and blocked. Stare blocks that block. Stare lets you freeze for a while and pauses your world for a few moments.

I love to stare. I can’t stare for too long, but I love it. I’m addicted to staring. And while I’m still staring the real world strikes and I find myself back on that land full of my own struggles I don’t want to face.

It has meant so many things in different aspects of my life. I’ve got into deep troubles and felt loses even, due to my habit or want to stare. In a class it has meant, “why don’t you leave the class if you’d like to look outside the window anyway”. Who would think, that little mind which really doesn’t have any space anymore has frozen and is in a state of still.

In a relationship, it might mean “What are you thinking about? (Nothing.) How can you think about nothing all the time? You don’t communicate enough with me!” It’s all a matter of perception. Whoever said I’m not perceptive doesn’t really understand that state at all and bears no capacity to ever understand it either. I’m not thinking anything. I’m in a state where I love to be cause I permit myself in those moments to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop observing and stop caring about what the world thinks of me.

At work I’ve faced humor “Ms. Jangla, now if you’re really done adoring that white board so much, may we hear of your work agenda for the rest of the week please!”

With a set of friends it has meant “Uh oh…we’ve lost her again!! Come back you lost soul”. A very good friend gets curious and asks “I wonder what you’re thinking all that time that you stare. I want to look at what you’re looking at...” I’m not looking at anything really. I’m only at a pause where I wish to be forever sometimes, cause I love to be left alone. I love to just not think and freeze. I love to not hear and not see with my eyes open. I love to not get distracted by anything in life. I love to be or not to be.

I’m not thinking about anything. I Promise.

I’m only taking a break from thinking. And I’m not lying either. I’m only being truthful to myself by taking that break. I’m only excusing myself from doing what I should do all the time – ponder, think, live, do the right thing...I’m only procrastinating a little cause I think I can allow myself to. I’m not lost anywhere!

I’m not thinking all the time – I’m not! I’m playing dead and suspending myself from the constantly changing time and elements, I’m only immobilizing myself for a while cause I love to, I’m only blocking myself from my thoughts. I’m only quitting for a while. I’m only quitting to resume!

My stares are the semi colons of my every day life, where I stop and wait, at most times unknowingly. It’s a switch from struggle to momentary peace. It’s a switch from struggle of dealing with thoughts, struggle of getting things right by being yourself and the struggle of handling life as it comes to that temporary peace that lets you be all by yourself amidst strangers, that’s lets you lay still in that mind of yours and says exactly this “I’m holding onto everything till you come back! Come back soon though, I wont be able to do this for long…”

I stare cause I choose to! I stare to be or not to be for a while! I stare to look at things exactly the way they are! I stare so I can breathe! And I stare so I can be blocked!